Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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