Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You ruined the universe
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
