Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
