She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
