if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
