I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
