Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
3pm strippers are depressing
I have feelings that need drinking.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
