I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
