My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
