Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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