Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
