I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I am one with the molecules
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
