the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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