Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
