im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
