Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
