I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
