Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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