i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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