They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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