Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
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Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
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The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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