hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
