I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
