Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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