I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
