I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
