she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
