his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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