it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
