Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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