I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
MIDGETS
????
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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