Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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