I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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