please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
