I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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