The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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