so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
