my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm always down for nudity.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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