You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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