I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
