You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
