I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
