I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
