Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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