I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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