Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
