she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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