i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
