you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
