I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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