I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
