Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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