is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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