College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
