so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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