True but thats because hes a fetus.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
