Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I smell stomach acid.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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